The Manual

I used to think about the relationships in my life very differently than I do now. I used to think that something had gone majorly wrong because the people in my life weren’t acting the way I thought they should be. I would ask questions in my head like “Why don’t my kids just listen the first time when I ask them to do something?? They SHOULD totally do that right??” Or “Why doesn’t my husband naturally buy me the perfect thoughtful gift that I always wanted for my birthday?” That’s what happens in all the movies right? Good husbands should totally do that! But you know what all that drama created for me? Disconnection. When we try to control the people in our lives instead of letting them just be themselves it creates tension and resentment and a whole lot of other negative emotions. Most of the time the person that we’re trying to change has no idea what our expectations even are. When we act this way it’s as if we have a manual for the people around us. A way that we believe they should act and be in order to be acceptable for us. The major problem is that people are going to do whatever the heck they want to! And the only real person you have control over is YOU! So how do you want to feel about your life? Did you know it’s entirely up to you to decide? 

I’ve found that it feels SO much better to allow my husband and children to simply behave the way husbands and children behave naturally. So when my kids don’t come running the first or second or tenth time I call them I can realize that they’re just kids being totally 100% normal! They’re really not supposed to just be weird robot kids that do whatever I ask whenever I ask it. And when my husband does his best to show me he cares in his own way I can just be SO grateful he’s mine! Instead of wondering if something has gone wrong. It truly is up to me! 

What are you making it mean?

For the past two weeks my husband has been doing a job in Bear Lake, about an hour from where we live. He gets home about the time I put the kids to bed. Needless to say it’s been rough. I’ve had a lot on my plate and not a lot of time for myself. Which is totally okay! Just hard. The real reason I want to share this story is that the other night I totally 100% lost my SHIZZ! My basement had been a total mess for days and earlier that day my kiddos were not helping me clean it up at ALL! Then later my oldest got himself stuck nearly to his knees in thick, soupy, MUD! Just the thought of cleaning any of it was just too much. So I yelled and I screamed and said a bunch of things I’m not proud of. I also slammed our pantry door shut at one point which accidentally cracked a freaking hole in the door! No joke! Not at all my finest hour. But here’s the real question. What am I making ALL of that mean?? On the one hand I could decide I’m the worst mother in the world. Some of you might even be thinking that as you read. I could tell myself my kids will never turn out, that they’re going to become criminals, and worst of all it’s all my fault! This is the easy route that my brain naturally wants to take because it’s a human brain that’s super good at pointing out things that are wrong. But what’s the upside to thinking all of that? Those thoughts just leave me feeling sad, defeated, and in a huge pit of self loathing. But what if instead I decided to make all of that drama mean that I’m HUMAN. That I make mistakes but that I totally love myself anyway. What if instead I used it as an opportunity to teach my kids about forgiveness and what it means to be sorry? That’s an option too right? And I’m telling you my friends! It’s a much BETTER option! So next time some drama goes down for you, be careful what you make it all mean.

Valentine’s Day

Hey people! Happy love week! So I’m a huge fan of chic flicks. I love watching love stories unfold and have the guy always know EXACTLY what to say, and do, and be! It’s MAGICAL! Unfortunately life, at least for me, has been FAR from a movie style love story. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband. But he doesn’t usually know exactly what I need at the EXACT right time. He’s human and I love him for it. But for reals, it’s rough in the real world of love. This is why what I want to share is SO important!

So many of us women wait around for our husbands to fulfill our needs. But half the time we don’t even know what those needs are. Example- has your husband ever asked what you wanted for Christmas or Valentine’s Day? And you don’t even have a response? How are they supposed to know what to do for us if we don’t even know ourselves? This is why it’s so much better to take matters into your OWN hands and just take care of you! This year I decided I wanted to get my nails done. So I did. And I told my husband thanks for working hard so I could. The end. No drama, no worries, no expectations. Just me takin care of me. Give it a try! Tomorrow is a big day for either a whole lot of disappointment, or a whole lot of you loving YOU! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Xoxo,

Corey

A compassionate observer

I’ve been encouraging you all since I started this blog to notice your thoughts and try to be more aware of them. But I want you to know that when I first started working on managing my brain it wasn’t easy. I started to notice that I didn’t like a lot of the thoughts I was thinking. I would feel guilty or ashamed, and all of that drama only made me feel more trapped! I realize now that I was missing a very important element. You guys, we have got to be more compassionate with ourselves. I swear most of us are so critical of ourselves all the time it’s like we’re our own worst enemy. We are constantly beating ourselves up over things that in the end really don’t matter. So today I’d like to challenge you to notice your thoughts. Take some time to write whatever you’re thinking. Don’t make it pretty and fluffy for your posterity, just write. And then stop yourself when the judgements come. Just continue as a compassionate observer of yourself. Be your own best friend. Remind yourself that you are complete, whole, and totally worthy just the way you are! Nothing is wrong with you!

Processing Negative Emotion

My little boy Tate is obsessed with Frozen. We literally watch it every day, sometimes twice a day. He never gets tired of it. As annoying as this is, I've noticed that I can totally relate to Elsa before she knows how to control her powers. She's afraid but then she lets her fear grow by adding more fear on top of her initial fear. At first she's afraid of hurting her sister, but then the fear grows stronger when she believes she can't escape.

As humans we operate in a similar way. Have you ever been mad, angry, frustrated about something small that just seems to grow stronger and stronger throughout the day? It's like you're mind is just festering on that one moment or event until it's power is so strong that you just explode. I have. In fact this exact thing happened just this morning. I was asking my kids to get in the van for school. They were watching TV downstairs and they wouldn't listen. I asked again, and again, and again. Still nothing. Finally I just lost it! I yelled all the way to the school about how we were going to throw the TV away and that they were all grounded for life. Sheesh! Where did all of that come from? I realize that I'm the cause of all of this. Me and my thoughts. Instead of just allowing myself to feel and process my frustration. I let it build and build to the point of explosion. This was me resisting my emotions. We don't want to just sit with whatever negative emotion we're feeling so we resist it instead. The problem is that just like Elsa, when we resist it, it only grows stronger.


So what can we do instead? It starts with realizing that half of the time we are going to feel negative emotion. And that's totally okay. Nothing has gone wrong. What if instead of blowing up at my kids I just allowed myself to be a frustrated mom? Instead I resisted it and found more evidence that my life should be different. For example: My kids should listen the first time I call them.We should never be late to school. The TV is ruining our lives! Do you see how all of these additional thoughts only make everything worse? What if instead I told myself that this was the part of the day where I feel frustrated. And just leave it at that. I promise it's so much better this way. So next time you feel a negative emotion I want you to try something crazy. I want you to process it. Relax into it and really feel what it feels like in your body. Notice where you feel it most. Is it in your head, your stomach, your fingertips? Then describe it to yourself as if you've never felt it before. What color is it? Is it big or small? Sharp or smooth? I know it sounds insane, but all of these things allow you to get out of your brain and into your body. This is SO  helpful because when you can get out of your head you realize that negative emotions are nothing to fear. They're simply vibrations in your body that come and go.